Today I taught my maths lesson to my mentor's class. I was very nervous beforehand, but I had everything ready, IWB, activity resources, starter resources. The books were on the table, the L/O's were stuck up around the room. I felt organised, my checklist (numbered according to priority!) had been checked and double checked. The older I get the more sure I am that I have a control-freak neurosis!
I won't go into the details of the lesson, as this is a reflection- not a recount (note to self). Suffice to say, I was so disappointed with myself at the end that I had a meltdown. "I am crap, what am I thinking, go back to being a TA, I am so embarrassed...", with hindsight it reminds me of a two year old who has just been told they are leaving the playground: completely distraught and, needless to say, totally over-reactive. I instantly wrote down all the points I felt were wrong with the lesson. Useful, as it helped me find some positives.
Despite my Oscar-worthy hysterics when I reviewed the lesson later with my mentor, we both agreed that the points I had noted were correct. This reassures me that even if I am not sure how to teach the perfect lesson, I can identify what needs to change to make this possible. I had not expected the amount of positives she had drawn from the lesson. She noted my use of AfL, which I was pleased about considering my misconceptions around this concept at the beginning of the week. She also felt that although the children did not learn exactly according to my intention, learning was happening in the lesson.
My mentor wondered if I should have just planned and delivered a starter but she felt it would not have been challenging enough for me, and she is right. In some sadistic, nut-job kind of way I want to be challenged to the nth degree. I have found that when I push myself to the limit I can pull things out of the bag that I had not expected (like a first class honours degree!!). I need to find a way of managing my post-adrenalin self after such occasions, and maybe this is where the Mindfulness comes to the fore; maybe I can manage my stress levels if I make sure I have a quick before and after practice when being observed?? Also, this evening I have wondered if maybe I need to be given a lesson focus for my observation, so instead of trying to have every minute of 45 perfect, I have one area which is the focus for perfection. I don't mean that I would let the rest slide, but maybe it would help me focus on having fun and enjoying the lesson when there is only one area to truly worry about?????
I titled this post the danger of high expectations, the high expectations are my own of myself and they will always be there, it is a trait I possess. I have to find a way to articulate what my expectations are in any given task, this might allow me the space to know exactly where I have succeeded and where I need to work further; it has just occurred to me that I am practising AfL on myself in the form of targets and success criteria. Oh, the irony!!
In conclusion, Lesson No.5 in learning to teach is read Lesson No.4 again and this time take it on board!!
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